Mental Disorder and Kolometer

Kolometer

I was thinking this morning...... about MPAN. I am not referring to Metering Point Administration Number which those in the UK can identify with and it is definitely not one of the National honors in Nigeria. What is it then? I will tell you in a minute. I was at Bida last weekend for the turbaning of a friend and colleague by the Etsu Nupe. At the palace of the Emir, well dressed dignitaries from across the nation sat in anticipation of the entrance of the Emir. While the palace guards were busy ensuring that invited guests took their rightful position in the already crowded court, the court jester was rapping away in a high but somewhat melodious tone that got the attention of everyone and in a language that oscillated between gibberish and fluent Nupe. After a series of random words and hailing, the jester made an unusual announcement that he was the king of mad men in Bida Emirate and as such deserved to be listened to. Really? Initially I scorned at his audacity to announce that he was king in the court of another king, but I quickly realized that his subjects are special. If that statement was made three weeks earlier, I would have dismissed it as a good joke, but juxtaposing his words with that of the Ministry of Health that three in ten Nigerians suffer from mental disorders, while everyone else laughed, I thought again. The jester was the chairman of 'Mad People Association of Nigeria (MPAN)' Bida branch.

 

You might be wondering if it is possible that we have so many 'mad people' in Nigeria. Mental disorder, according to World Health Organization (WHO), comprise a broad range of problems with different symptoms but generally characterized by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behavior and relationship with others. And the Ministry of Health says over 50 million Nigerians may have mental disorder or what we call 'kolo mental' in Warri.

 

With this revelation by the Ministry of Health, 'kolo Nigerians' has suddenly become one of the most important demographic. I won't be surprised if I hear that MPAN is declaring its support for a particular candidate, after all Bus Conductors Association of Nigeria (BCAN) just did so recently. It will be wisdom for political office candidates to lobby this group with their over 50 million members.

 

You know, I have always wondered why people in anger will say 'I go craze for you today or you will see my madness today.' Now I know that they are among the 50 million Nigerians that are members of MPAN. What about the politicians that will embezzle the money meant to construct the road to his village and use the money to buy a big car that he can't drive home because there is no road? He should be contesting for the position of chairman of MPAN with the palace jester. You know, with all the cluelessness and outright disastrous leadership we keep having in Nigeria, I am beginning to suspect that this MPAN has been foisting the dregs of its lot on us as a nation to the disadvantage of the majority sane Nigerians. Now that 2019 beckons, the 150 million Nigerians without mental disorder must devise a means of checking that no member of MPAN is allowed into any leadership position in Nigeria. How can this be achieved? I suggest the use of a 'kolo-meter.' A meter designed to check the madness level of a man like a thermometer does. Anyone that can invent this meter will be an instant billionaire.

 

As I pondered on why there are so many people with mental illness, I remembered Jeremiah 51:7 that says 'Babylon has been a golden cup in the hand of the Lord, intoxicating all the earth. The nations have drunk of her wine; Therefore the nations are going mad.' What are you drinking? If you are not sure of your status, use a kolometer.

 

Happy Sunday.

 

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

 

 

Giving Corruption A Bad Name

Giving corruption a bad name

I was thinking this morning.... about giving corruption a bad name. In the midst of my very busy week, I sneaked into my twitter news page hoping for some news to muse about on Sunday morning. I almost regretted doing so because of the negative news that hit me. First was the Al-Jazeera news headline, 'Five Leading UK Banks Aided Corruption in Nigeria' and then another headline in Premium Times 'Documents show Buhari's govt illegally diverted N378 billion NLNG dividend' and yet another 'N5.5b NEMA Fund: Reps insist Osibanjo has case to answer.' Ahhh, is corruption the only major news on offer in Nigeria? Has corruption become our National anthem?

As I thought of ways not to think about corruption, I recalled a report during the First Republic, where an Italian with little knowledge about Nigerians went into a deal with some Nigerians. Not too long after, the deal went sour and the Italian was conned out. In disappointment, he cried out and said, 'Nigerians are giving corruption a bad name.' But how can one give corruption a bad name? Can corruption be corrupted? Only in Nigeria, I concluded. Dan Agbese, renowned journalist, former Editor-in-chief of Newswatch magazine and the author of the now famous 'Because of Cows' article, had attempted to explain and put the statement in perspective. He said that Nigerians are so corrupt that they cannot keep their end of a corrupt deal. Hmm!!!

As I thought about it, I recalled the Governor of Imo State, Anayo Rochas Okorocha (of the Iberiberism fame) and his plans to make Imo State his personal fiefdom like has never been seen in Nigeria. His plans, he goes to the Senate, his wife to the House of Reps and his son-in-law becomes the governor. Everything was rolling, until Oshio-baba decided to singlehandedly give the governorship ticket to Senator Hope Uzodinma. According to DSS report, the governor and his son-in-law having had their lowest bidder bribe rejected, protested and kicked and finally accused the APC chairman of corruption and lacking internal democracy. Really? Mr Iberiberism, you, the giver,  accusing someone of corruption and lacking in internal democracy? Haba, why are you giving corruption a bad name?

Before I could clear my head, there was the controversy of the government spending N115,000 daily to feed El Zakzaky in prison. Na wa o! That is the minimum wage government is proposing for four persons in a month o. Abeg remember that I am speaking, or rather thinking off-record. I found out that the US government spends an average of N1,000 ($3) daily to feed a prisoner, yet we are spending N115,000 ($375) daily to feed one man. No wonder people have been volunteering to go to prison since the news broke. Would you blame them?

Can you believe that in America, the US president is given a bill at the end of each month for every meal his family eats in the White House? The President pays from his salary. yet, a Minister is telling us they feed one prisoner with N3.5 million (about $11,500) monthly. Haba Nigeria, why are we giving corruption a bad name? It is looking like when prophet Hosea in Hosea 9:9 said 'They have sunk deep into corruption, as in the days of Gibeah,' he had Nigeria in mind. God will help us.

Happy Sunday.

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

Legalizing the Absurd

Legalizing the Absurd

I was thinking this morning...... about legalizing the absurd. Yes about how we strive to change the natural course of life creations. What am I talking about? Last Thursday 8 November, I read the BBC news headline, 'Dutch man, 69, brings lawsuit to lower his age 20 years.' Yes, he took the State to court that they should approve his new age to be 49 instead of 69. He had argued that if one can change his name, one can change his gender, why can't someone change his age? Emile Ratelband had started the legal battle to legally change his age to boost his dating prospects.

When I first read the news, I initially wondered why it made the headlines, because reducing of one's age is a normal occurrence in Nigeria. All that is required here is to go swear an affidavit that you were born 20 years earlier and it will be admissible everywhere. I however realized that what we are doing is lying abut our age and this is not what Emile Ratelband is trying to do. Rather he wants a legal backing for this change. He is not saying he wasn't born 69 years ago, he is saying he wants to be 49 years old. How is that possible? How can someone take back the hand of time by 20 years? Let's say he succeeds in his lawsuit and they approve that he is now 49 years old instead of 69, will that reduce the age of his organs including his heart and brains? When death comes calling, will he command death to return 20 years later?

Oh man, we are really pushing the frontier. First, adults of their own free will (except for rape cases) engage in sexual activity and get pregnant and for 'some very good reasons' they want the pregnancy terminated. The case for abortion has been so argued that the lines of morality is now blurry to the point that the next generation will not know that abortion was once illegal. Today, it's been legalized in many nations. Then, against the natural course of creation, many nations are legalizing homosexuality. 'Adam and Steve' are now a couple. That was not enough and it was pushed further when gender change was legalized and Adam suddenly became Eve. Oh man, what exactly do we want? Where gender change has not been legalized, they are doing so clandestinely. That was the drama a few days ago when an Abuja man who was looking for sex, got the shock of his life when the partner he went home with turned out to be a 22-year-old man disguised as a woman. Oh man!

As I wondered what change we will be pushing for next, I await the outcome of the age change case with bated breath because I did not enjoy enough as a child and will like to reduce my age to 12 years. I want my parents to send me to the best school in Nigeria and take me on vacation to the Maldives yearly. After all if someone can change his mind, he can change his age. So goes the argument. But Prov 22:28 says 'Remove not the ancient landmark which thy fathers have set.' Like angry mobs, we are pulling down the ancient landmarks set by God and I see no different outcome from that of Sodom and Gomorrah. God help us.

Happy Sunday.

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

Of Urinating and Natural Leaders

Lionel Messi as a Natural Leader

I was thinking this morning...... about the qualities of a leader. During an interview on Mexican television, Diego Maradona accused his fellow compatriot Lionel Messi of not being a natural leader for Argentina and urged his country to stop treating the Barcelona icon as a 'God.' He had said this about Lionel Messi, 'Someone who goes to toilet 20 times before a match cannot be a leader.' Really? I didn't know that the number of times one visits the loo is an indication of one's leadership abilities.

As I thought about it, it began to make sense. No wonder I did not get that job with the Multinational Oil Company early in my career. I was called for an interview and along with others, were placed in a waiting room. I recalled the room had two water dispensers strategically located within my line of sight. As I waited for my turn to be called in, I was drinking some water and visiting the toilet in turn to wee. By my assessment, I knew I did okay at the interview but I was not selected and wondered why. Now I know why. There must have been a CCTV camera where someone was positioned to count the number of times each candidate visited the toilet. They must have concluded that I am not a natural leader because I frequented the toilet. If I had known, I would have come fasting. Hmm!!!

 

But if the parameter for identifying natural leaders is the  number of times one visits the toilet, why have we been unfortunate to have disastrous leaders in Nigeria? Why can't we just put a camera on our potential leaders like they did the 'Gandollar' governor of the BabaringaMobileBanking fame, while they are in public functions, counting the number of times they visited the toilet and making the person with the lowest cumulative number of visits to the toilet our President? That will save us the N143 billion approved for INEC to conduct the 2019 election and we would avoid all the rigging and violence associated with elections in Nigeria. How I wish it was that simple.

According to the gospel of Diego Maradona, the number of visits to the toilet is the single most important KPI in picking a leader. If this is adopted, women will never be leaders because they tend to have smaller bladders and shorter urethras than men, so women are more likely to have problems with incontinence. Fact, but thank God Maradona's position is rubbish because being a natural leader has nothing to do with incontinence. A natural leader has social ability, self-confidence, assertiveness and boldness. They value the complementary skills and traits of others and surround themselves with people whose strength complement their own. That is what Messi has done that has kept Barcelona at the top for years. No wonder apostle Paul in 1st Cor 15:10 says 'I am what I am by the grace of God,' and not by the number of times I visit the toilet.

 

Abeg let me visit the toilet before I head to church this wonderful morning.

Happy Sunday.

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

His Royal Youthfulness

Originating Honorifics

I was thinking this morning...... about originating honorifics. As I pulled out of my street onto the main road that early Thursday morning heading to the office, I turned on the radio to apprise myself of the day's news. There was a commercial break and the student wing of Ohaneze Ndigbo Rivers State was congratulating one of their own that has been appointed leader of the group. It sounded like the usual Nigerian notice-me, favour-seeking advert which I gave no attention until they announced, 'This is signed by His Royal Youthfulness blablabah.' I was like, seriously? Royal Youthfulness?

I smiled in disbelief, wondering how these young men could just formulate a new honorific and start using it on air without approval. Do they really understand what the 'Royal Highness' they have adapted to 'Royal Youthfulness' mean? In order to truly establish the emptiness of their action, I needed to first establish the origin of 'His Royal Highness (HRH).' I found out the term 'Royal Highness' was first used by the Archduke Ferdinand of Austria in 1633 while traveling through Italy on his way to the Low Countries. On meeting Victor Amadeus I, Duke of Savoy, he refused to address him as Highness until the Duke addressed him as 'Royal Highness.' Thus the first use of the style 'Royal Highness.' I was actually humbled by the finding and thought that if a mere mortal like Archduke Ferdinand of Austria could coin the term 'His Royal Highness,' what stops the youth wing of Ohaneze Ndigbo from instituting 'His Royal Youthfulness?'

As I paused to let the point sink in, I noticed an overflow of my mental juices and needed to savour it in order not to lose the value. With the first drop came the thought that we may have missed out on opportunities to put our names in the Encyclopedia or Wikipedia of Titles like Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. Think about it; There are men's association in some villages where the strongest man is chosen as leader. Tell me, why can't the leader be addressed as 'His Royal Manliness?' See my point? There was another drop that reminded me of a group of unemployed job seekers that formed an association and selected a leader. Shouldn't the leader be addressed as 'His Royal Joblessness?'

The drops were coming faster now. I recalled the popular Palmwine Drinkers Club also known as Kegites Club in Nigerian Universities. I wondered why the head of any Ilya (branch) will be addressed as 'Chiefo' instead of the more honorable 'His Royal Drunkenness.' Sounded funny to me, but the smile on my lips soon disappeared when I thought about Nigeria political leaders. They embezzle the funds meant to build roads and hospitals for the masses, while they and their families go on vacation and medical tourism abroad, yet we address them as 'His or Her Excellence.' How misplaced. They should henceforth be addressed as 'His Royal Wickedness.'

As I made the final turn into the car park at my office complex, I imagined how I should be addressed since I am neither a politician nor a chairman of any association. A gentle smile returned as I remembered 1st Peter 2:9 that says 'But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people.' On that strength, I concluded I should be addressed henceforth as 'His Royal Priestliness.'

Happy Sunday.

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

The Originality of Fakes

The originality of Fakes

I was thinking this morning...... about the originality of fakes. While having lunch midweek with some colleagues, fulfilling the parody of Matthew 18:20; Where two or three Nigerians are gathered discussing, politics is at the centre; a colleague of mine asked, 'Has anyone wondered how PMB has suddenly become healthy?' Of course I have no reason to have considered it, so I offered her a penny for her thoughts. And she dropped the bombshell, 'Are you sure the PMB we are seeing is the original?' Really? Are you implying he was cloned the last time he visited the UK for medical checkup? I have never heard anything so ridiculous, but it got me thinking. If her hypothesis is true, then I must commend the originality of the fake PMB. I immediately recalled the quote, 'Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake, but some people are really good at being fake.'

As I thought on this, I recalled the viral videos of the Governor of Kano State Abdullahi Ganduje allegedly receiving bribes to the tune of $5 million from contractors in the State. When he was confronted with the videos of the sting operation, he denied it saying that it was a set up and like my colleague, implied that the person in the video was not the original. Some people are fake, but some people are really good at being fake. But in this case, that was a poor attempt at 'forming' fake.

You would have noticed that it is that season again when Nigeria politicians display their fakeness in very amusing ways. In this season, they stop by the road side to eat roasted corn with the masses, they dress in the traditional wears of the people they dislike the most and some will even enter the public transportation they've never used all their lives, just to show they are part of us. Really, Are they part of us? Abeg if you do run into any of these actors, ask them just one question, 'Are you the original?' Though some people are fake and some are really good at being fake, these ones have failed in 'forming' fake. We know their true nature.

Generally, we live in a world of fakers, doing one thing before everyone and another privately. But you know what? There is nothing good about being fake and there is a limit to which your fake life can take you. At the end of the day, there is a price to pay for being fake. Even Jesus cursed the fig tree for being fake - Matt 21:19. Truth is, there is no need being fake or being very good at being fake. Be real and many will love you as you are, warts and all, because even if you hide your real self from men, you cannot hide from God.

Happy Sunday.

......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

Who Dash Monkey Banana?

Who dash monkey banana?

I was thinking this morning...... about 2019 and why we are settling for less. As I was returning from church last Sunday, I stopped to buy a bunch of banana which was to partner jollof rice in an epic battle with my appetite. As I brought out N400 to make payment, wondering why it wasn't free, I recalled the made-in-Nigeria rhetorical question 'who dash monkey banana?' But where did that question come from? Why should anyone assume that if you saw a monkey with banana, it was a gift and the monkey didn't work for it? I wondered. I had read one explanation on social media where it was said that the Banana tree is the only tree the monkey cannot climb. As such, for any banana you see with a monkey, it didn't take its personal effort to get, it was given to it. Hence the saying 'who dash monkey banana?' Hmm!!! Though the position sounds so plausible, I was curious and decided to confirm if it was true.

I confirmed it is not true monkeys can't climb Banana trees. Banana tree is not as slippery as it has been made out. The pseudostem of a Banana plant will always have some dry sheaths which will act as non-slippery hold. Moreso, monkeys can hold with their toes, because their soles are more flexible like those of some birds who use them to hold branches. So monkeys can climb Banana trees and pick the fruits itself, and don't need anyone to 'dash' it. Why do we accept just any statement or report as true or accept whatever token handed us, when we can work to get something better? Intellectual laziness or I guess we are thinking, 'who dash monkey banana?'

I also wondered why most people believe banana is the fruit the monkey love best.  Why can't we ask 'who dash monkey grapes?' or 'who dash monkey chin-chin?' or even 'who dash monkey kpekere?' We have grown up believing the only food monkeys eat is banana, but is it true? It's a myth. I found out the entire wild monkey-banana connection is a total fabrication. Scientific studies of the diets of primates revealed wild monkeys never encounter bananas at all ever unless they are around human habitation where bananas are or have been planted. Another study revealed that monkeys prefer grapes to banana. So, there goes the saying 'who dash monkey banana?' Bursted!!!

To me 'who dash monkey banana?' is a derogatory slang meaning you can't get the best you deserve. You resign yourself to fate, expecting a 'dash' because you are telling yourself you can't make it, thinking 'who dash monkey banana?' it is exactly this mindset most Nigerians have regarding the forth coming 2019 presidential election. In spite of the fact that we have a field of very competent aspirants, most people, especially the e-rats of the elite-dominated two major political parties have been fighting over who amongst the two worst candidates will be president in 2019. Why can't we see beyond the old non-performing or corruption-tainted aspirants and stand up for any of the other competent hands that we know can take Nigeria out of the woods? No, we will not, because we are thinking 'who dash monkey banana?' Truth is, if the monkey can climb a Banana tree to pick the fruit and not wait for a 'dash,' you too can get the best you deserve. No wonder Philippians 4:13 says 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' So, yes, we can get the best and if you must ask the rhetorical question, ask 'who dash monkey grapes?' or who dash monkey kpekere?'

Happy Sunday.
 
......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.