Sunday 25 November 2018

Mental Disorder and Kolometer

I was thinking this morning...... about MPAN. I am not referring to Metering Point Administration Number which those in the UK can identify with and it is definitely not one of the National honors in Nigeria. What is it then? I will tell you in a minute. I was at Bida last weekend for the turbaning of a friend and colleague by the Etsu Nupe. At the palace of the Emir, well dressed dignitaries from across the nation sat in anticipation of the entrance of the Emir. While the palace guards were busy ensuring that invited guests took their rightful position in the already crowded court, the court jester was rapping away in a high but somewhat melodious tone that got the attention of everyone and in a language that oscillated between gibberish and fluent Nupe. After a series of random words and hailing, the jester made an unusual announcement that he was the king of mad men in Bida Emirate and as such deserved to be listened to. Really? Initially I scorned at his audacity to announce that he was king in the court of another king, but I quickly realized that his subjects are special. If that statement was made three weeks earlier, I would have dismissed it as a good joke, but juxtaposing his words with that of the Ministry of Health that three in ten Nigerians suffer from mental disorders, while everyone else laughed, I thought again. The jester was the chairman of 'Mad People Association of Nigeria (MPAN)' Bida branch.
You might be wondering if it is possible that we have so many 'mad people' in Nigeria. Mental disorder, according to World Health Organization (WHO), comprise a broad range of problems with different symptoms but generally characterized by some combination of abnormal thoughts, emotions, behavior and relationship with others. And the Ministry of Health says over 50 million Nigerians may have mental disorder or what we call 'kolo mental' in Warri.
With this revelation by the Ministry of Health, 'kolo Nigerians' has suddenly become one of the most important demographic. I won't be surprised if I hear that MPAN is declaring its support for a particular candidate, after all Bus Conductors Association of Nigeria (BCAN) just did so recently. It will be wisdom for political office candidates to lobby this group with their over 50 million members.
You know, I have always wondered why people in anger will say 'I go craze for you today or you will see my madness today.' Now I know that they are among the 50 million Nigerians that are members of MPAN. What about the politicians that will embezzle the money meant to construct the road to his village and use the money to buy a big car that he can't drive home because there is no road? He should be contesting for the position of chairman of MPAN with the palace jester. You know, with all the cluelessness and outright disastrous leadership we keep having in Nigeria, I am beginning to suspect that this MPAN has been foisting the dregs of its lot on us as a nation to the disadvantage of the majority sane Nigerians. Now that 2019 beckons, the 150 million Nigerians without mental disorder must devise a means of checking that no member of MPAN is allowed into any leadership position in Nigeria. How can this be achieved? I suggest the use of a 'kolo-meter.' A meter designed to check the madness level of a man like a thermometer does. Anyone that can invent this meter will be an instant billionaire.
As I pondered on why there are so many people with mental illness, I remembered Jeremiah 51:7 that says 'Babylon has been a golden cup in the hand of the Lord, intoxicating all the earth. The nations have drunk of her wine; Therefore the nations are going mad.' What are you drinking? If you are not sure of your status, use a kolometer.
Happy Sunday.
......Just the thoughts of a certain Wey Mey.

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